Author: Lauren Joffe
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Hello, Anteaters: Joffe’s Guide to the NCAA Tournament Teams No One Knows
For what I believe is only the third time since the beginning of my love affair with the University of Arizona, my beloved team is not going to be dancing this year. On one hand, I’m devastated, but I won’t lie: I’m looking forward to a little more stress-free Vegas trip this year, because I…
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Joffe’s Props: Big Dogs, Romo and Kickers
It’s that time of the year again folks…the time when I prove to my family and friends that if there was ever any doubt, I am indeed a degenerate. Yes that means Super Bowl time and I’m here for all of it. I have the added bonus of having lots of family from out of…
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Joffe: I’m Baaaaack … Who’s Ready for Big CFB Dogs?!
Well folks, I’m sorry to have disappeared on you like that, but writer’s block is a real b****. All that matters: I’m here now, so how about a mid-season report to catch y’all up on my Big Dogs and the new teams that are Dead To Me? Big Dogs I’ve made a total of 209 big…
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Joffe: The Longshot Winners I Love and the QB Who’s Dead To Me
Two Big Dogs Eat I love dogs. Every shape, size and texture. Especially the kind that pay out at 47-1. Last weekend was the weekend for dogs in college football and the NFL, and while the NFL dogs may or may not have knocked out one of my survivor picks (you suck, Jacksonville), it also…
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Joffe’s ‘Dead To Me,’ Week 3: No Love For The Cougars
FINALLY! I got a winner!!! Thanks to the Akron Zips I cashed my first “big dog” bet of the year. It took three weeks and 103 bets, but DAMN IT I WON ONE! Thank you, Northwestern! I now have a 1-101-1 record (yes, I am very much down money,) but who cares? It was fun…
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Joffe’s Big Dogs, Week 3: Hoping Florence Makes It Rain
Turn on any news channel and you’ll see the end of the world is near thanks to some chick named Flo. She’s real mad and real big and real wet and she’s going to cause the STORM OF THE CENTURY OMGWTFBBQ…. That’s what she said https://t.co/OAro2hT4WX — Lauren J in the BigXII (@thespinzone) September 11,…
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Joffe’s ‘Dead To Me,’ Week 2: Never Bet on Your Own Team
I’m not sure I’m going to make it through this college football season alive. I mean, I know I’m being dramatic, but this season could not have started out worse for me. Despite being 15-point favorites in their first game of the season, my beloved Arizona Wildcats lost by five to BYU. And the only…
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Joffe’s ‘Dead To Me,’ Week 1: App State Leads The Way
Chalk, Chalk, Chalk … That was the theme of college football opening weekend. Enough damn chalk to supply the one teacher in high school who refuses to use a dry-erase board. The high volume of chalk was beyond unfortunate for me and my huge dog bets. None of them hit, but one was canceled. (Thank you,…
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Joffe’s Big Dogs, Week 1: The Case for Shorter University … No, Seriously
Cue music: “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year” It’s the first full week of college football, which means it’s time to…BRING ON THE DOGS! Every team is starting off fresh. Freshmen want to make their mark, seniors want to make their last year memorable. There are new schemes, new coaches and everything is…
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Joffe: The Art of Inappropriate Fantasy Football Names
Editor’s note: If you couldn’t tell from the title, reader’s discretion is strongly advised. As a girl, I struggled to find a fantasy football league that didn’t discriminate against estrogen back in the day. Part of me gets it. Boys say they just want to play with their friends, but we all know the real…
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Joffe: Baseball Sucks Way Less When It Wins You Money
When the World Cup started, I wasn’t particularly excited. Soccer really wasn’t my thing. I didn’t know a whole lot about it, and the U.S. wasn’t in it, so why should I care? But friggin’ Chad Millman is a persistent SOB. He busted my ass about writing soccer content, I relented, and the joke was on…
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Joffe: You Should Gamble on Jay Cutler’s Reality TV Performance
It’s so close to football season I can taste it. OK, that’s a lie. But in these slow summer months I’m getting my betting fix from an unlikely source: E! Not the drug, Sickos. I’m referring to the first season of a future American classic: “Very Cavallari.” Yeah, I’m as shocked as you are, but…
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Joffe’s World Cup Challenge: I Didn’t Lose Everything
#JOFFIFA is over and I survived! Over the course of the month, I bet almost $1500. It wasn’t easy, I never thought I’d make it, and I never envisioned I’d be sad to see it end. But here we are. I’m feeling a void. Crap. Thanks to the idiots at FIFA, we have to wait…
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Joffe’s World Cup Challenge, Finals Edition: Time to Go All In
It took the entire tournament, but I learned something today from the trolls on #GamblingTwitter: Betting on PK, -0.5 in soccer is the same as betting on -0.25. If you remember, in my first post of this great adventure, I said — and I quote — “Soccer is not my thing — and I certainly…
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Joffe’s World Cup Challenge, Semifinals Edition: I’m Gonna Make It!
The Highlights #JOFFIFA is almost over, and I’ll be terribly sad to see it go. Seriously. Especially since I’m pretty much even after 60 of the 64 games. With $460 left to burn through and four games remaining, it’s time to get a little crazy. I’m betting on my English countrymen (obv), and going a little against…
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Joffe’s World Cup Challenge, Day 22: Conspiracy Is Alive, Da?
Viva la France! J’adore Griezmann aussi. See, I knew my three years in high school and four semesters in college of French would come in handy one day. I would have won BOTH of my France bets had the Uruguayan goalie batted the ball properly, but I’ll take 1-0-1, as it meant I didn’t have…
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Joffe’s World Cup Challenge, Day 21: No More Meltdowns Allowed
The Highlights England is through to the World Cup quarterfinals and I’ve only lost $91.50 of my $500 budget. It’s all comin’ up Joffe! On Thursday, I’m all-in on Belgium against Brazil — when has fading the tourney fave ever gone wrong?!? — and a low-scoring game in France-Uruguay. Joffe Note: This article contains some…
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Joffe’s World Cup Challenge, Day 20: Harry Kaaaaaaaane
When I started writing this, Belgium were down 2-0 to Japan and I was planning my funeral and/or retirement from betting. In a desperate act I tweeted this: https://twitter.com/thespinzone/status/1013866202832220166 And not two minutes later, THEY GOT THE BALL IN THE NET! Three times, actually. And I went from thinking both my bets were DOA to…
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Joffe’s World Cup Challenge, Day 19: Mama Said Knock You Out
The Highlights #JOFFIFA rolled into the round of 16 with momentum (and a slight hangover). Mexico should pull another huge upset of favorite Brazil, while Belgium should stop Japan from pulling another upset in this World Cup. Did you miss me? I took a couple of days off from writing, but I took zero days…
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Joffe’s World Cup Challenge, Day 15: End of the Group Stage and I’m Still Alive!
The Highlights Germany lose … again. Group H is (almost) anyone’s game. The real winner of England vs. Belgium may actually be the loser. What if I told you at the beginning of the World Cup that Germany, the favorites coming in, the defending champions, a group of stars, needed only to beat a team…
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Joffe’s World Cup Challenge, Day 14: Will I Invent More Ways to Lose Money?
The Highlights Iceland is dead to me. No one is safe and no one is dead in Group F, and goals can make the difference. I need everyone scoring goals except Costa Rica. GB’Day mates! The Socceroos are done, much like both my bets. Shout out to France and Denmark for surrendering to each other,…
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Joffe’s World Cup Challenge, Day 13: The Heart Wants What the Heart Wants
The Highlights I want to root for Australia, so I’ll be betting them at +120 odds against Peru on Tuesday. I feel dirty betting Argentina because, well, they’re a dirty team. But the rules mandate I bet every game, sooooo … Messi it is! I swore off Iceland, but Croatia playing their “B team” means it’s…
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Joffe’s World Cup Challenge, Day 12: The Grand Russian Conspiracy Continues
Four days and 16 matches to go in the group stage and ya girl is still alive! And you know who I’m giving the bulk of the credit (besides myself)? Harry Kaaaaaaannnnneeeee! The English striker is quickly becoming my modern-day version of Luc Robitaille. My “bet on England because I have ancestors from there” theory…
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Joffe’s World Cup Challenge, Day 11: Blame My Hairdresser for Everything
The Highlights I forgot to tweet my picks for Saturday’s games. I blame my Arizona State-grad hairdresser. (Bear Down.) I’m going all-in on my heritage with Sunday’s bets on England and Poland. Senegal have the most polite fans on the planet, which is a good enough reason to wager on them vs. Japan. Well, upping…
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Joffe’s World Cup Challenge, Day 9: It’s Time for Wine and Higher Stakes
Well, the good news for my Aussie family (and my +.5) is that they squeaked out a draw with Denmark and are still alive to make it out of the group stage. The bad news is that France beat Peru, but the over didn’t come close to cashing. Then there’s Argentina and the “GOAT” Messi.…
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Joffe’s World Cup Challenge, Day 8: Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oi Oi Oi
Three games, three goals, one push, and two losses. A pretty lackluster day for #JOFFIFA. At least my losses were only monetary. Portugal’s Pepe might not be able to get up tomorrow morning after the hit he took against Morocco… Get up #Pepe. #flop #2018FIFAWorldCup pic.twitter.com/2LcI0vjVOZ — Brian Moyer (@APXweatherman) June 20, 2018 Current balance:…
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Joffe’s World Cup Challenge, Day 7: Don’t Even Try to Talk Me Out of Portugal
The Highlights After an 0-3 Tuesday, it’s time to get my Bet-Every-Match-of-the-World-Cup Challenge back on track. I’m putting my faith in Cristiano Ronaldo until he gives me a reason not to. Iran do not deserve to be leading Group B, and they definitely don’t deserve my money Wednesday. Well at least I was right about…
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Joffe’s World Cup Challenge, Day 6: Banking on My Polish Heritage
The Highlights No, I did not bet on Mexico +625. Never crossed my mind. And I’ve never been more sad in my life. If Colombia’s James Rodriguez doesn’t play Tuesday, I’m totally screwed. Come on, James! I recently found out I’m part Polish. Who knew?! That means I’m morally obligated to bet on Poland. I spent…
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Joffe’s World Cup Challenge, Day 4: When In Doubt, Take The Under
The Highlights #JOFFIFA managed to go 4-0 on Day 3. That confidence is not carrying over into Day 4, especially in the Mexico-Germany match. I’m sitting here somewhat dumbfounded because despite still being confused about soccer lines, I went 4-0 Saturday. I’m as shocked as anyone, but I’ll happily take it, especially since we’re only…
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Joffe’s World Cup Challenge, Day 2: The Iran-Morocco Bet That Seems Too Good to Be True
The Highlights I’m back for more on Day 2 of my $500 World Cup challenge to bet every single match. I’m learning that betting soccer is a wee bit complicated. I didn’t know until yesterday that something called the “Asian handicap” exists, and now I’m making that exact wager on the Uruguay vs. Egypt Over 2, 2.5.…
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Joffe’s $500 World Cup Challenge: Bet Every Match and Don’t Go Broke
The Highlights I’ll be betting every match of the World Cup because … why not? Soccer is not my thing — and I certainly don’t pretend to know a great deal about it — so this should be interesting. My first bet of the tournament? Russia -1 (-155). Vladimir Putin has got this result locked…
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2 Sportsbooks, 1 Day: What Happens in Delaware Stays in Delaware
The Highlights I spent Tuesday at two of the three sportsbooks in Delaware accepting legal wagers. Delaware Park’s book was a bit of an eyesore and wasn’t too busy. Dover Downs isn’t really a great place to watch a game — it’s more bar than sportsbook — and the 10 p.m. closing time is BRUTAL. SOMEWHERE…
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Joffe’s Lessons from Bet Labs: SUCK IT LOSERS MY THEORY WORKS
Growing up, baseball was my least favorite sport. It’s just too slow compared to hockey, my first love. So when I interned for NBC Sports one summer I found myself in a tough spot because that’s literally all there was. Our job was to log baseball games so that the editor and producer could use our…
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Joffe: Burner Betting Accounts, Longshot Bets and (Maybe) a Big Score
It’s no secret that I’m a big fan of huge underdog bets. In life I’m not usually a huge risk taker (on purpose). You’ll never catch me skydiving, eating pufferfish or skiing a double black diamond. It’s the same with betting. I can’t usually stomach high-risk, high-reward wagers. I am, however, a HUGE fan of…
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Joffe: The Newbie’s Guide to Being a Functional Degenerate Gambler
The Highlights Have a newfound interest in sports gambling? Great! Lauren Joffe is here to help. Don’t bet the under. Just. Don’t. Do. It. All your friends will hate you, and you’ll be a miserable human. Don’t bet on your team. If they lose and don’t cover, you’ll be doubly pissed off. Unless you’ve been living…
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Joffe: When Your Mom Learns You’re a Degenerate
The Highlights Want to feel like a degenerate? Live at home for a little bit with parents who don’t gamble on the reg. Lauren Joffe’s mom knows her so well that any poutiness is met with inquiries about which bets she lost. Sunday is Mother’s Day, and since I’m home, I plan on spending it with my…
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Joffe: Betting the NBA Playoffs Is Tough When You Hate Half the Players
The Highlights My personal disdain for certain NBA players makes betting a little tough. For years, I couldn’t gamble on Joakim Noah’s Bulls teams because he cost me a crap-ton of money in a March Madness pool. And then there’s James Harden. Three negatives: He went to ASU, he has a disgusting beard and he’s…
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Stalking, Lying and Dreaming of Canada: Joffe’s Childhood Obsession with Hockey
My first love as a sports fan was hockey. Sounds odd coming from a girl from LA, but it’s true. Not being from this country, my parents didn’t grow up backing a college or pro team, so when one of my dad’s first American friends took him to an LA Kings game, the rest was…
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Joffe: Every Gambler’s Bucket List
A week ago, a large contingent of people with too much disposable income scratched something off their sports bucket list by watching the final round of the Masters in person. I’ll be honest: I never quite got the allure of paying thousands of dollars to watch a golf tournament. But then I watched the Masters in full for…
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Joffe: Never Spend a Week in Vegas
Back in college there was a bar schedule: Tuesday: Dirtbags Wednesday: Gentle Bens Thursday: Maloney’s Friday: House party Saturday: O’Malley’s And with little exception I kept to this schedule and still made it to class (sorta). That was back when I could hang. Now I drink one glass of wine too many and I’m useless…
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Joffe’s Lessons from Vegas in March: The Foolproof Way to Land in Twitter Jail
Sign up for The Action Network’s daily newsletter to have the best sports betting insight and analysis delivered to your inbox. I don’t know how I made it back alive, but I did. Another March Madness opening weekend in Vegas is in the books, and it was … messy. Fun, but so, so messy, and I’m not…
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Joffe: My Stone-Cold Locks for March Madness — There Will Be Tears
Viva Las Vegas!! If you follow me on Twitter, you know I’m here and ready to rage … and by rage, I mean watch non-stop basketball for four days straight. Opening weekend is one of the most fun times to spend here or anywhere for that matter if you’re a hardcore fan. Rather than me…
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Tales from March Madness in Vegas: The Mad Search for a Lost Tooth
It’s my most wonderful time of the year: March. In one week, the NCAA Tournament will be underway, and so will begin the least-productive two weeks of my life. For those of you lucky enough to be in Sin City for the Madness — or this weekend’s conference tournaments — I put together a cheat…
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Joffe: It Was an Insane Olympics, and I Have the Odds to Prove It
As we bask in the glow of the 2018 Winter Olympics, it’s fair to say the past two weeks have featured some bats— crazy moments. Let’s run through them one-by-one, as only gamblers can, by retroactively assigning odds to some of the Games’ most insane results. Odds an athlete performs in a manner comparable to…
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There’s Only One Way to Bet the Olympics: Take All the Crazy Underdogs
I was an Olympic figure-skating hopeful until I broke my tailbone. OK, that’s a lie. I mean, I did break my tailbone, but the only hope I had was perhaps as a “Disney on Ice” cast member (I’d play a tree). Anyway … it’s been a long four years since I’ve had the chance to bet…
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A Serious Scouting Report of the C-List Celebrity All-Star Game
The NBA regular season is one of my least favorite sports to watch (don’t @ me), but not even I can hate on the good, harmless fun of All-Star Weekend. The festivities start Friday night with the Celebrity All-Star Game. While the game usually consists of a few well-known folks, most of the competitors leave…
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Picks In A Box: The Best Super Bowl 52 Halftime Show Props
If you’ve learned anything about me at this point, you know there’s no way I’m NOT putting action down on the most important event of the year. That’s right: I saved my prop locks of the year for … the Super Bowl halftime show! Take it away, JT … Will Al Michaels make a halftime show…
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Super Bowl Props That Vegas Should Post But Definitely Won’t
Who doesn’t love a good prop bet? Lord knows I’ll wager on anything — Little League World Series, anyone? — but put a tasty prop in front of me and I can’t help myself. Just take my money. All of it. This week, I’ve already bet on Pink’s National Anthem (over, of course), a few…
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Betting on Coaches’ Quirks: Sweaty Sean Miller, Cranky Coach K, and More!
One of my favorite sports-related trips was the year I went to the Pac-12 tournament in Las Vegas. Sure, I lost a tooth somewhere in the MGM Grand (story for another time), but I still had a blast. It’s safe to say college basketball brings out the best in me, so now that the college…